Be kind

It’s been pretty much forever since I’ve made a blog post but I’m due for one.

I’ve recently had several dear friends tell me their child has been diagnosed with various things. My heart breaks for each and every one of them. Knowing the struggle, frustration and pain they are dealing with as well as their precious little.

What sticks with me each time someone comes to me with this type of information, is how frustrated they are with the inconsiderate and unkind comments from others. The judgement, the misconceptions, the stigma of having a child with a “label” is not a cake walk. No parent wants their child labeled; however, to receive services they must have a diagnosis. Special needs doesn’t mean a burden to society, doesn’t mean a failing parent, doesn’t mean anything other than that child has needs that are special, special as in unique from their peers.

I frequently say “but I’m sure they mean well” when sharing a comment someone made to me with my husband. I’m not sure at what point I adopted this attitude. I don’t know if I think and say this because the idea of someone saying something so hurtful intentionally would be more than I could handle, or if I have just always looked for the best in others (probably the former). I wish I had a better way to encourage and build up my friends with special needs kiddos, I just want to hug them tight and assure them they are amazing parents and doing the best they can for their children. I’m sure being beaten up by the words of others makes them constantly question their parenting, their ability to care for their child, even the diagnosis they receive because I’m certain I’m not alone in hearing “well he doesn’t look like he has autism” or similar phrases. I’m not even going to deal with that comment, I just roll my eyes and mentally throat punch them.

Often times I wonder if the general population is aware of the difficulties and stress involved with raising a child with special needs. I wonder if they spent a day observing the life of a parent with special needs if they’d have more empathy, compassion, understanding, patience and kindness. For my family personally, we function much more like a traditional family due to the tremendous progress Mr N has made over the last five years. Not exactly like a traditional family, we still have IEP meetings, more frequent meetings with the school and his teachers, his team of therapists, etc. Doctors and dentist visits are not typical at all, to have a cavity filled, he needs sedated. He still can’t sit through an entire meeting without needing some sensory input, which usually involves him sitting in my lap, lots of deep hugs. Looking at our family, you’d probably not notice it, you may think “well he’s too big to be sitting in mom’s lap” or “why is she holding him? He can stand/walk”, but in reality he’s getting much needed sensory input from these things. It’s incredibly physically exhausting to hold, lift, and carry a fifty pound child for two hours. However, Mr N has progressed so extensively and come so far, it’s easy to forget sometimes that he does have needs that are unique to him.

Some things to think about before making a comment about a child’s behavior, they could be having sensory overload and screaming is the only means they have to cope with their overloaded system. While the parent is trying to calmly deal with their child, imagine that parent got little to no sleep the night before because quite often child with special needs are not great sleepers, now imagine that child also has a very limited diet due to sensory issues, so that parent didn’t just make one breakfast but possibly two to accommodate for the child’s need. Now imagine that parent carefully picking clothes for said child that won’t bother him/her, this most likely involves extra time and energy while shopping for the child, as well. While you’re thinking about all the extra effort the parent(s) have put into getting the child ready for one day, the child likely had at least one meltdown during the process which required consolation from mom or dad. Now add in siblings with or without special needs. If you’re wondering when a good time is to comment on a child’s behavior, the answer is never, it’s not your business. See how simple that is? You’re welcome. Also, never appropriate to comment on someone’s parenting or their decisions regarding anything ever.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. Instead of belittling and tearing each other down, how about offer a helping hand, a hug, a kind word, or a word of encouragement. Being kind costs nothing.