Changes

Once again I spent the meeting in the car fighting back tears. Every meeting when I tuck my tail between my legs and hide in the car I feel like I'm failing. I try to remember that it took many, many months in our last congregation before Mr N could spend more time in our seats than in the car. While I have no intention of giving up, it is overwhelmingly difficult to continually struggle through every single meeting. It is incredibly exhausting emotionally and physically.

Along with Mr N's struggle to adjust to our new life, I've been having a hard time acclimating, too. I've lived in five different states in the last dozen years, moved 22 times, yet I'm not adapting as quickly and easy this time. I find myself unable to immediately recognize my surroundings, uncertain as to what our surrounding towns and appropriate landmarks are here. This morning as I went to get out of the shower I couldn't picture what was outside of the shower, and where to locate my towel. Several options of bathrooms in homes I've lived in before flashed through my mind before I got to our current bathroom. It has never taken me this long to adapt and become familiar with a new place.

I have to wonder if our intentions to live in our last house permanently has effected my ability to adapt beyond that. We had so many plans and goals for our lives there that went unaccomplished (i.e. hike to the top of Half Dome, finish the house, do wilderness camping, etc). I find myself thinking we should do things like go to Knights Ferry, attend the Sonora Parade, visit Yosemite, etc even small things like which stores are available in our locale, I seem to get confused as to what is here and what was there.

I really miss my old congregation, I miss the familiarity of my friends, I miss the understanding and encouragement that was expressed so freely, I miss the familiar names and faces. Not that I'm not provided with abundant encouragement and commendation for my efforts here, today after meeting I had several people tell me that they appreciate my efforts and that I'm doing a great job in spite of the circumstances.

This isn't to say I'm unhappy with our new home and new life, it is unexpectedly amazing. Once I start making friends I'm sure I'll have that same love and joy I felt in our last congregation. Being able to see my dear family multiple times a week is better than I had ever imagined. But I miss being able to drive a couple of hours and spend some time on the beach, I miss having the familiar Stanislaus National Forest and Yosemite to explore.

Being here for over a month without completely adjusting is new and unfamiliar for me. Going into the move i knew Mr N would struggle to adjust but experiencing it takes the heartache to an exceptional level. I have no regrets regarding the move and our decision to do so, it is absolutely the best decision for our family.

Along with having a support system here, we have excellent recreation opportunities right in our backyard. There is a 12 mile walking trail through town that runs along the creek and up to the foothills and out into the plains east of town., there are beautiful mountains that continually take my breath away, there are hundreds of acres of public use land for hiking, shooting, camping, etc. This area is absolutely amazing, I just really wish my mind could wrap itself around this being home. Maybe once we are out of this short term rental and into our new house it will become more real and permanent.

I must wrap this up as I need to round up our camping gear for our plans to go camping next weekend with my older brothers, then later this afternoon we plan to hang with the family. Busy, busy and fun, fun, fun.