Heartache and pain

It's been a while since I've had such an emotionally taxing day, but today pretty much fills my quota for the quarter. I woke up with a stress headache that has only gotten worse as the day has progressed.

The kids well child checks were today, Daddy had an important work meeting so my SIL offered to go with me to help out with the kiddos. We made a plan ahead of time that she would hang in the car or outside with the kiddos until appointment time. When we arrived at the doctor's office I went inside to fill out the necessary paperwork and get the kiddos checked in for their appointments. The staff was very accommodating with my wishes for Mr N. When they were ready for him, I went into the room to discuss all of the history with the nurse then when the doctor was ready to examine Mr N, I went out and got him from my SIL then took him straight to the exam room.

I'd been on pins and needles all day stressing over how he would do, would it be like all of his other appointments in the last few years or would his new found progress carry over to doctors appointments and be smooth? We walked through the front door, Mr N said "hi" to the receptionist, then the nurse greeted us and told us to head on into the exam room I thanked as did Mr N with the sweetest "thank you" that surprised the staff after my very insistent warnings on how poorly the visit would turn out.

We calmly walked into the exam room where I had a few of Mr. N's cars, a teddy bear and his iPad waiting for him. He picked up his toys then looked around and saw the all too familiar exam table which was a dead giveaway that bad things were about to happen. I raced him to the door to shut it while we momentarily waited for the doctor to arrive. Moments later my fear, dread, and anxieties were all realized as the screaming and fighting began. He wouldn't let me hold him, he didn't want to sit down, he just wanted to leave, he wanted to leave fast and NOW. A nurse brought him a sucker but was met with hostility.

The doctor arrived shortly to begin the exam, she inquired as to the best way to proceed, then began her exam as I held a very angry little man down. Holding his arms, leg and head still so she could examine his ears was heart wrenching as he looked at me with so much sadness. Next came the tummy exam which about killed me as he screamed and held both sides of his head in his hands just wanting it all to end. We skipped the weighing and measuring as the chances of it being successful were less than 1%. The doctor mentioned he was obviously a healthy height and weight. With tears streaming down both of our faces we headed outside to switch kids. Leaving Mr N with my SIL while taking E in for her appointment was extremely difficult, I just wanted to cuddle and console my hurting baby. After giving him a few last cuddles I handed him off then headed inside with E.

E's appointment went great, she showed off her hopping, skipping and balancing skills for the nurse. She is finally in the 9th percentile for weight, weighing in at a whopping 35 pounds (only 5 pounds behind her little brother). She happily picked out stickers for herself and her brother, then let the doctor do the exam. E was anxious to head back outside to join her cousins, standing at the door holding the handle for the last 10 minutes while mommy talked with the doctor.

The doctor was great, she offered some more options for more services for Mr N that I intend to look into and take advantage of, as he deserves all of the help he can get.

We took the kids to the park to run off some energy before heading back to my SILs house. The kids played for a while, then as we were heading out to leave I looked down and E was missing a tooth. I asked her where it was and she said "I spit it out", which she did, just like she has been saying she would do since it became loose. Funniest kid ever. I picked her tooth up off the floor, put it in a Baggie then we headed home.

My heart is still filled with sadness for my little boy, seeing the fear and pain in his eyes while I held him down makes me hurt. Being a parent is so hard, doing things that you know need to be done even though they cause pain. As I sit here thinking about my boy with a headache and much heartache, I can't even imagine how much more painful today was for him. If only I could take that pain for him, I would gladly do so in a heartbeat.