Sensitive

I try so hard to be strong, to let things roll off my back, to not let others effect me. But I'll be honest, it pains me when Mr N makes his noises or acts "unusual" and we receive disapproving glances, dirty looks, and head shakes. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, I know they don't know, I know not everyone is understanding, but will he endure these judging looks his whole life? It's so easy to say "just ignore it", it's so easy to pretend to have a brave face in front of your friends, but inside my heart is breaking, my eyes well up with tears. I've had to take a break just to calm me down after enduring such occasions that crush my spirit.

Raising awareness for Autism is important, not only for helping parents get a diagnosis and subsequent help for their children, but also so the general public realizes how prevalent it is and learn how to treat these beautiful children and their struggling families. I would love to say that having a child with special needs is easy, or even that it is not that hard; but I'd be lying. He really does have special needs, needs that are special to him and to no one else. Needs that require more time, attention, focus, determination, love, and care. I can't just let him play outside with other kids in a fenced yard without frequently checking on him, I can't just let my kids play outside while I do housework. Not only do children with Autism not understand fear, but they are prone to wandering off.

There was recently a 5 year old Autistic boy named Scotty Meyer from Prescott, WI who wandered from his home while an A/C repairman was at his house. My heart went out to his parents, Scotty is non-verbal and wouldn't respond when rescuers called his name. I watched and waited hoping for a miracle, that little Scotty would be found and return home with his parents. While Mr N is more verbal than many children with autism, he certainly wouldn't be able to tell anyone who he is or where he lived or who is parents were, if he were to respond to a rescue worker at all. This is such a big fear of mine. Scotty was found by a volunteer searcher's pet Golden Retriever. Only the day before Scotty went missing another 5 year old autistic boy named Jeremiah Conn from Madison, WI went missing from his home, he wandered away and tragically drowned in a pond near the area his family was visiting. I realize these are valid fears for any parent, but these kids run and can run fast. They can be gone in the blink of an eye. Imagine tying one child's shoe and looking up and never seeing your child again. It can happen that quickly. Typically developing children will come running back as you call their name, they will stop when you say stop, they will ask a stranger to help them find their parents, key components to a missing child returning home safely to their loving parents.

Being hyper-vigilant has become our life, especially when away from the house. Whenever we go anywhere, I take E out of the car first and have her stand beside me while I get Mr N out so there is not a risk that he'll wander away. When we get back to the car, Mr N gets buckled in first so that once again he can't wander away, E gets buckled in second, then any purchases are loaded in the car. We keep constant physical contact with Mr N while out and about unless he is in a cart, letting go of his hand in a parking lot for even a second and he could dart in front of a car. This lack of fear he possesses is everywhere. When we are hiking we have him in a carrier on our back, hold his hand, or if it is a trail not along a cliff or water we will let him walk between us. But we must pay constant attention, rivers rush, cliffs have loose rocks, there are bears, mountain lions, and animals of a human nature; we can not risk him being out of sight for even a moment. Thankfully he is much better at staying in appropriate play areas at home. When we first moved here he would try to go down the driveway, but has not attempted to do so in several months. He will occasionally wander around to the back of the house but typically just goes on the back porch. Today I removed the enticement from the back porch so hopefully that will help alleviate his motivation to wander back there out of sight.

While there is so much extra time, attention and work involved with a child with special needs, I have learned to love so much more. I remember being pregnant with Mr N and observing my precious E thinking "I'll never love another baby as much as I love E, she's perfect". I didn't think my heart had enough room for another child, until I met Mr N. I didn't lose even an iota of love for E, my heart grew big enough to love them both. I love them both more and more each day, my heart just grows right along with them. Mr N needs extra love, he needs more hugs, he needs more patience and I feel like I need to compensate for others' actions towards him. When someone gives him a disapproving look for his noises, I give him an extra hug, I tell him I love him, I tell him how proud I am of him, I tell him he's smart, I tell him he's beautiful, and I tell myself how lucky he is that I am his mom and not them.

No one but me can change how I react to other people. I could be told all day long not to worry about the looks, glares and head shakes, I can act strong and put on a brave face. I can imagine confronting these people and telling them how hurtful their actions are, how much of a struggle it is just to do what they consider normal, mundane things. In reality, every once in a while I sit myself down and have a real good cry, then I pick myself up, wipe away the tears and give my precious little man as many hugs, kisses and cuddles as he can tolerate.