Defeat (IEP Format)

We just got home from the dreaded IEP. I feel so defeated, so emotionally exhausted, so incredibly overwhelmed. I totally lost it about two hours into the IEP and ran crying from the room, guess I should have put my big girl panties on this morning. I can't even look at Mr N without crying, he is my baby.

The recommendation is 25 hours a week in a structured pre-school, that is 50 minutes away from our house, busing is offered, but we can drive him if we want (we want). This would also include 20 minutes twice a week of speech therapy and 30 minutes of occupational therapy twice a week.

I don't even know how to wrap my head around all of this, sure I knew this was probably going to happen, but in the last week two people had asked if we'd prefer in-home services. I guess I thought it was an option, or at least a possibility.

Don't get me wrong, I do think a structured pre-school where Mr N could get the social interaction that he so desperately needs, along with speech and OT would be very beneficial to him. But he's my baby, the idea of dropping him off at school and walking away feels like abandonment, feels like a knife in my heart. He is so little, he loves me, he needs me. Rationally I know he will do fine, I know he will cry less than me. But will it effect our relationship? Will he slowly drift away? Bonding was not easy to start with, will we lose our close bond? I worked so hard to make that bond, I can't lose that.

I feel like venturing down this path would require also putting E into pre-school, which she would absolutely love. She would thrive in preschool. She would be so jealous if Mr N got to go to school and she didn't.

Where does that leave me? I'm a stay at home MOM, emphasis on mom, not a stay at home pet owner (I don't even like the cat that much). Where do I go from here? Do I take the plunge and put them both in pre-school? Will that school even accept E? Will I have to find a school at a different location for E? Will I spend my days doing pick ups and drop offs?

I want to wake up and have my little boy cured of this cruel disorder. Until then I guess I do what I must to help him, but not without tears. Before we even made it across town to the store Daddy suggested we pick up a few things they suggested that will help Mr N in his growth and progress over the upcoming months. I was still focused on making the tears fall, he was busy planning on how to help Mr N more at home. I love that man.

I am going to spend some quality time with my vodka now.