Uncertainty

I apologize for the lack of updates lately, I've been so stressed, uneasy, and emotional over Mr N's future, I worry that I won't be able to keep my post sounding logical.

Yesterday, the school special education teacher came to observe therapy to get more data for the IEP on Friday.  Mr N did great, he even did all of the actions to "I wanna be a dog" and played ring-around-the-Rosie quite gracefully and said the words as best he could. Before she left she asked what we were wanting as far as services, I again expressed the need for speech therapy and OT. She asked if we wanted in-home services or preschool. I was a bit surprised, because I wasn't aware that the choice was ours. I would prefer in- home services for Mr N.

Today, the coordinator was here and stressed the need to have a structured schedule for therapy. She wants us to start using a timer and the PECS board to show Mr N what is happening next, then use the timer to give 10, 5, and 2 minute warnings before moving to the next activity. I'm not sure how to feel about it all. I do think that his therapy should be more structured but I think it would be hard for the current therapist to enforce that. I really like Katy, but it doesn't seem like she is in charge when dealing with Mr N. Before the coordinator left she asked what kind of services we were hoping for, again I reiterated our desire for in-home services.

I don't really know what to think, I'm not ready for my little boy to go off to school by himself, I want him home with me. I want to help him learn and grow, I want to be the one to kiss his boo boos and give him cuddles. I want to know how better to help him. I don't know if in home services are actually an option or if they are just toying with me. I'm dreading the IEP on Friday, but want so much for it to be done and over with.

Last night I took the kids to a friend's house for a clothing swap, I was pleasantly surprised that Mr N was completely appropriate the entire time. He played with his sister and other kids. He even patted the baby I was holding on the back. He usually isn't too excited about babies.

Therapy was pretty rough today, the drastic change was hard for Mr N to handle and resulted in meltdowns about every 10 minutes. He is doing fine now, mommy hasn't recuperated. I understand what they are trying to do, I know what they are trying to accomplish, but for what? I feel like the therapy is soley focused in getting him ready for preschool. It's like each step of the way they focus on preparing him for the next step, but show no regard to teaching him life skills.

I feel like the stress of it all makes it hard to focus and make sound decisions in other aspects of my life. All of my energy and efforts are focused on getting Mr N the best help and questioning if that is even possible. He is so precious to me, how could I fail him?

On a bright note, Mr N is talking so much more that even the coordinator commented on how much more verbal he is than he was two weeks ago when she was here. Once again sissy is the best thing Mr N has to play with. He repeats what she says, he copies her actions, he imitates her all the time. She frequently says "stop repeating everything I say". I just smile and feel a sense of happiness knowing that he is learning so much from her.

The cat still poops. Ugh