Change, Change, Change

I've realized that having a child with special needs has really changed me a lot. When I see someone with special needs I tend to be kinder and more sympathetic, knowing they probably have endured much pain and frustration. It's made me kinder to anyone with any kind of health problem or disability, I think they have a lot more struggles than I do. At meetings, assemblies, conventions, and even at the grocery store I seem more aware of other's limitations. As crazy as it seems, even with arms full of toddlers, I offer to assist others more. An older lady was at the recycling center at the same time as us the other day, I offered to help sort her recyclables, she refused saying she does it that way for more exercise. Previously, I wouldn't have offered with the thinking that "hey I have 2 kids, I can't help anyone, my hands are full".

I'm so much more driven these days, so driven to make a better life for my kids, to spend all day engaging Mr N even when I'm busy working. So driven to get projects done, I'm in the process of building a garden, I built a planter box all by myself. Me! I went to Lowe's and got lumber & screws. I built it. Just like that. Who knew I had it in me? Then I painted it all to keep it from rotting. I put in chicken wire, weed paper, and soil. I, with the help of my darling husband, tore down the fence on our property and moved it up to where the garden is and started building the fence.

A few days ago, it was hot and I really wanted some shade. I went to the garage and dug out our gazebo, absolutely dreading the task of putting it together. When we first got it my lovely cousin was visiting and embarked on the painstaking task of putting it together with us. How on earth would the hubby and I put this thing together just the two of us, with instructions no where to be found and the google machine didn't produce any results? I decided to put together what I could before my husband got home to help. A few hours later I had the entire thing done. Amazing. Look at me, I can do things. I surprise myself.

I started making curtains for our house, I've gotten 2 rooms done and another 2 rooms started. I hate it. It sucks a bunch. But they look nice and are much prettier and more affordable than buying them.

Another change in me, is my indifference towards trivial things. I feel like with this new driving force of fixing Mr N, I no longer care when mindless drama is thrown at me. I don't have time to stroke people's egos, I don't have time to deal with attention seekers.

I tend to be more emotional these days. At first, I'd cry all the time, just hold my baby and cry, so sad, no hope, no drive, no future. I cry less than when we first got the diagnosis, but I still cry. I cry when Mr N does something amazing, I cry when I worry he's not gonna get on track, I cry when I'm completely overwhelmed and exhausted and wonder how I'm going to keep going.

But I don't cry over my cat, that's just silliness. I leave that to my bestie, she can cry over PJ & Dozer, her cats, but that's just not me. ;) I don't know if she really cries over her cats, that'd just be awkward, but I told her I was working on a blog post and she asked what it was about.

I'm hoping the change I tried to put into effect regarding my patience is working. I try to be more patient with E since this is all a big change in her life, too. I try to not snap at her when she interrupts conversations, when she asks 67 times for the same thing, when she needs something 2 minutes after I sit down for the first time all day, etc.