Randomness spewing from my brain

Yesterday I finished reading a book about a mother's journey through the autism world with her children. I was very disappointed. I didn't want to waste my time reading a book that didn't give me suggestions, solutions, answers and make life all better. Ask anyone who has listened to me, I've criticized the book much more than necessary. After all, here I am doing the same thing.

The book was written in the early 90s and much of the information in the book is inaccurate and recent studies do not back up the boasted success rates of the therapy mentioned in the book. Last night I was just completely confused and devastated all over again. 47% success rate seemed so promising, so hopeful, but what if that percentage is really only 10%? What will put my son in that 10%? What makes him more deserving of overcoming autism than the other thousands of children?

After getting the initial diagnosis, I was just so confused, everything happened so quickly, therapy was set up, I started reading websites, books, I needed to know everything I could. How could I expect to help my child if I wasn't an expert on his condition? One of my dear friends, Andrea, sent me a couple of books she had read on autism when she was working with kids on the spectrum. It took me a few weeks before I got around to opening the first one up, Overcoming Autism by Lynn Kern Koegel. I'm not even half way through it, I had to stop reading it, to read a book that Mr N's therapist was reading. His therapist is borrowing my book, so hopefully I can finish reading it soon.

To my point, the book that Andrea sent me gave me my first glimmer of hope for Mr N's future. There are practical suggestions, there are basically instructions on how to help your child. The results were astounding, I implemented what I was learning right away.

But our first set back was Mr N's first therapist, she had never worked with the autistic, she didn't have experience working with children, it became very apparent. My stress and anxiety levels were off the charts, how was this person supposed to help my child when he didn't like her, she seemed scared of him, I'm pretty sure she was afraid she was going to catch autism. By the end of her first week, I was done with her. I called her supervisor, I called the coordinating agency, my son would be better off with no therapy than with her. He was having nightmares, he wasn't sleeping, he was becoming aggressive, it was heartbreaking. There wasn't a replacement therapist ready to take on Mr N so we had a two week break from therapy. I was so nervous and yet eager for the new therapist to start, she was in training, which accounted for the nervousness, I didn't want a brand new person, I wanted his infant teacher back, she was very experienced and had accomplished great things in one hour a week. I contemplated hiring her privately if this new therapist didn't work out.

 The minute I met his new therapist I knew everything would be ok. She had the confidence I needed, she immediately showed interest in Mr N and calmed my fears. I think this week marks week 5 of her working with him and it really shows. His social skills have improved immensely, he lets her hold his hand, he lets her touch him, he is letting other people touch him, his eye contact is sooo much better.

While I would love to give his therapist all the credit for all of his accomplishments, I honestly think some of his progress has stemmed from the work I've been doing with him based on what I read in the book that I haven't finished. His speech is improving daily. His new word today is "up". Lately when we walk up the stairs together I say "up" as we take each step, the 3rd time we went up the stairs today he started saying "up" about 2/3s the way up the stairs. Mommy was beaming with joy!

It has been 5 months since his diagnosis. 5 weeks of therapy. He is making progress. Every day I have to remind myself that he is making progress. He is making progress. He is making progress. He IS making progress. All of my other fears need to take the back seat while I focus on his progress. Focus on helping make that progress continue.

I still lay awake at night worrying that he'll regress and lose all of his words, all of his progress gone again, what is to stop it from happening? I'm pretty sure it has happened and does happen, but I'm so scared I can't even bring myself to read experiences of that happening right now. I'll try to keep future posts shorter and about the present and not so much of the past. I just felt like a lot of this information was necessary to start this blogventure.