Reflecting

I've been working on this post for several weeks. As I think of new things I want to post that don't quite fit into my daily posts, I add them here.

When we first started down this journey, arranging for therapy and determining Mr N's needs they asked "What would you like to see changed?"

How, as a parent, do you answer that? What would I change about Mr N? The only thing I could think of is his language, I want him to be able to communicate, he doesn't even need to be a chatterbox, I just need him to communicate his needs, wants, desires, tell me what's bugging him, tell me what would make him feel better. I don't want to change anything about my little guy, I love him and wouldn't change a thing. I just want him to not suffer. I love his cuddles, I don't mind that he's shy, none of his quirks bother me. He is the sweetest, most lovable little boy I've ever known, what could I change?

During the initial evaluation process we were asked so many questions about Mr N, to many of them I didn't know the answer. Each time I said "I'm not sure" or "I don't know" I wondered what they must think of me, I am his mother, how do I not know these important questions that determine the diagnosis of my son?

I think back to when Mr N was first born, I was on medication to control the pain from the c-section, I was so out of it. I don't really remember his first few weeks. I remember months later asking my husband if I was a good mommy to him and if I loved him. The reply almost killed me, he said "you didn't really like him". Tears. How couldn't I like this amazing, lovable child? How was I not interested in his every coo, his every smile, his every cuddle? Months later I was diagnosed with PPD, I wish I had gotten help sooner. I still sometimes wonder if I'd been a better mother, more attentive, more loving, and more patient if we wouldn't be where we are today.

I am sure my situation made PPD more likely, I hated where we lived, we had no friends or family near. Honestly, I'm surprised I wasn't horribly depressed the entire two years we lived there. While we still don't have any family near, we are now in a beautiful area, I love where we live, I actually have friends. It's a weird feeling finally making a new friend after not having any in such a long time. It's amazing how much of a difference having friends makes. I'm very grateful for my new friends.

After we received Mr N's diagnosis I was a mess for such a long time. I just didn't know how I was going to handle everything. I was so overwhelmed and felt so under qualified to provide what he needed. At a recent meeting the talk was on hope and how much of an impact hope can make on your life. Hope can change your entire outlook, hope changes everything. Once I started reading Overcoming Autism  I finally had hope. My outlook changed, I still worry, I still stress, I still have fear, but I have hope. I now know that Mr N can recover with minimal residual symptoms, I know that there is a chance that he'll lead a very successful life. Hope is such a precious thing, and I hold onto this hope every single day when I look into his beautiful eyes.