Grocery Getting

I gave in and went to town to get groceries today, the empty fridge inspired me not to put it off for 5 more days like I intended.

As I was driving along and the two lanes merged into one and everyone raced ahead to get to the front of the line it made me think of how I'm racing to get Mr N all this help before it's too late. I've read conflicting information saying children respond best before 5, and others say 7. Mr N isn't quite 2.5 yet but I really want this to work. I want him to be ok. I was reading some more the other day in a news article that was talking about a 14 y/o who had been in therapy for 10 years. TEN YEARS! I don't know the statistics, but I do know that many children with autism need 24 hour care their entire lives. I know Mr N is awesome and amazing and was diagnosed as "mild to moderate", but I want a guarantee that he will succeed. He's so happy, he's so sweet, he's so lovable, he's so easy going and easy to love; how can he not succeed?

Grocery getting is always a challenge, it's about 75 minutes to town to buy the majority of the groceries we need for the month. We hit two stores since that's all Mr N can handle. Today we decided to try something a little bit different. The kids and I went to Costco and then I dropped the kids off at work with Daddy. This worked out marvelously. Mr N didn't get super overwhelmed, he started getting upset when we were checking out at Costco. He does NOT like being on the opposite side of the checkout, so I only go over to "my" side to swipe my card and sign. I feel so bad, especially since the cashier is trying so hard to be friendly and doesn't understand why Mr N is so terrified of her.

I finished up my shopping, went and got the kids, then headed home. I realized I wouldn't be home quite by 1:30 since I still needed to stop and get lunch. I called and left a message for Mr N's therapist. Mr N slept the whole way home and was in a pretty good mood when we got home.

His therapy went pretty well, we hadn't been into it very long before he wanted milk, I gave it to him. His therapist asked "did he ask for it or did you just give it to him?". I just gave it to him. When he was done I put it back in the fridge, he went into the playroom for a while, I put groceries away, took out the trash, cleaned out the litter box, etc. Mr N came back into the kitchen after a while and wanted his milk again, I got it out and said "say milk". He didn't. I remember in the book I was reading that if you withhold until they say it then they will realize it's easier to just say the word than it is to throw a fit. The therapist just kept encouraging me to withhold it until he said "milk" by about 3 minutes into the screaming and crying it no longer felt like such a great idea. Thirty five minutes later, he gave up and decided he'd rather go outside and play. I was relieved, I was so near tears while holding my baby boy as he was crying. I just don't think he understood why he wasn't allowed to have his milk. It made me feel like a big bully. It's not like he has zero words and we need to force him to speak. He is literally saying new words every single day.

After we got outside and I started playing with him, he seemed to forgive me. The therapist and I talked about it a bit, and I expressed my thoughts on it. I didn't want to just give him the milk 15 minutes into his tantrum, because then it seems like the message is "if you cry you get your way". So I'm glad we just put the milk away and went outside. We spent quite a bit of time outside working on "sit down" and "stand up". He's even saying "stand up" now. So proud of him. After we'd been outside quite a while he wanted his milk, I didn't make him say it. He did say "thank you".

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, should I listen to my instincts or make him say it? How do I know what is right? I like my instincts much better, I don't like my little guy sad. Why isn't there statistics and data for these therapies? I need charts and graphs, I need reports to review and say "yes let's proceed we're on target for a fully recovered little boy". No, instead I'm relying on the "hope for the best" method. I hate that method, it sucks as birth control, it sucks as financial planning, it sucks for my son's future. I hate it. I need facts, reliable facts.

After therapy I took the kids to the park to play, there were 2 other little boys there that were 3 & 3.5. E was super excited to have other kids to play with. Mr N loves going down the big slide with the bigger kids, but needs a little help at the start, so I hold his hand as he starts down the slide, then catch him at the bottom.  He did really well with the other kids, he didn't engage them but he didn't push them away when they got close and was taking turns going down the slide with everyone.

After we got home Mr N came up to me and asked for milk. He said milk. I wonder if he's more inclined to say it if I'm not right there next to it in the kitchen when he wants it.

I love him. <3